This past month has been hard for me. I hate admitting that. Not because I prefer to be fake but because the root of the difficulty has been my own ugly heart and who likes admitting that?
I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this and exposing the nasty parts of my heart to the world wide web... I guess I know Facebook and Instagram lend a certain air-brushing to our lives and I don't want ours to be all about looking airbrushed. While I definitely aim to focus on the positive and don't feel the need to include everyone in on my bad days, I just want to express that I have them too. We all do. And it helps no one to try and pretend that we don't.
It all started (ish) when doctors found a large mass in my 12 year old nephew's chest and they were "convinced" we were looking at lymphoma. Talk about earth shattering. Praise Jesus it turned out not to be that (we're still waiting on a diagnosis, but we know it's not cancer. YAY!) but in those few weeks of the unknown, I was slapped in the face with a serious case of homesickness. My family may be loaded with lots of drama but we all love each other to the moon and back and the last place I wanted to be was 1,300 miles away. With no way to get to them. I struggled with this BIG TIME, as even though we've always lived somewhat far away, any time there has been a real crisis in my family I was able to get in the car and at least drive to them. Not the case anymore...
Which led me to question God's leading us out here (Was it Him? Was it us?) and to tuck away, in the back of my mind, a little question mark. You see, I'm a runner. No, not literally, but mentally. To run back and question His leading, and also to run from facing the root of what is really going on in my heart. I'm also very guilty of having the tendency to work things out on my own when I either don't see God working or when I think what He's doing is all "wrong". Neither of these are done (for the most part) consciously per se, but a struggle in seeing my circumstances and wanting to change them. Always. And boy have I made quite a few messes by being this way. Some really big messes.
Things have not been easy since moving here. There have been some really great things, for sure, but when we made the conscious decision to follow Jesus out here I imagined our obedience to be rewarded in a much different manner. Yep, I just said it. "Entitlement." I know I'm not alone here, in feeling this way sometimes, but wow have I been so grossed out by it in my heart lately! I love to own those super sweet promises in the Word about blessings and victory and promised land. But again, those are usually much more different in my mind than what they actually turn out to be or when they come to be. Not that they're less than what I thought, but different. His ways are not our ways, duh. I like to forget the promises of difficulty, hardship, suffering, etc., but those are just as much promises as the others. And I noticed recently, that this "entitlement" often causes the suffering and hardships to grossly overshadow the many blessings and victories. And there have been, SO many blessings and victories. The Lord has been so faithful and gracious, drawing my eyes back to Him, where they need to be and stay. All last week He was speaking this to me. At church on Sunday, this was the message. Today, as I swept my floor for the 10th time I kept singing
I have decided, to follow Jesus
I have decided, to follow Jesus
I have decided, to follow Jesus
No turning back, No turning back
The cross before me, the world behind me
The cross before me, the world behind me
The cross before me, the world behind me
No turning back, no turning back
He is so good. Isn't it crazy when a song you've been singing since you were like, 5, suddenly takes on a whole new meaning? I've always thought of that song in terms of salvation, which it totally is. But today it hit me in a whole new way. I followed Jesus out here. My heart of questioning that and leaving the question mark in my head is flat out WRONG. I've never wanted to be only partly here. Or partially following Him. I have decided, to follow Jesus! No turning back. No turning back. The "honeymoon" phase of being here has long passed (I do not mean this in a bad way), as it always does, and I look back on that week last March, where everything was so exciting and new and hopeful, with fondness. I know this road has not been easy. I know it will probably only get more difficult at times. But I TRUST the Lord and I believe He brought us out here, for reasons I may not know yet. And THAT'S exciting stuff.
