Back in September we hit a point where we (mostly me) sort of panicked about our finances and where or what they've been since leaving the Bible College and moving here. I don't know, something just snapped in my brain and I had this overwhelming resolve that it wasn't working out here, we had no choice but to move, we had tried and stepped out in faith and God was not providing. So A+B=C and that was it. I was done. Much of it had to do also with the fact I was homeschooling and our boys were literally hating their lives. I've written about that part before. It was tough. And my heart was breaking on the daily watching them struggle, facing my own fears, and praying to God we weren't doing irreversible damage on them. We cried a lot during this time, all of us. Cisco and I were really struggling with trying to be practical and responsible adults/parents while still believing God had brought us out here and for what? Things had gotten really sweet with the church, we had become the family we had been praying for since long before any of us had moved. We had fallen in love with Colorado and the people here. Why was God going to pluck us from it all just as things were getting awesome? Finances aside, it didn't make sense, but we were trying hard not think too much about that. For months, there wasn't a Sunday we would leave church without crying the whole way home and most of the rest of the day. We were so torn and so torn up.
We began to look into him transferring to California with Davey Tree. My mom had (COMPLETELY randomly) met the wife of the guy who hires for the NorCal Davey offices at a conference in Redding the weekend after I told her we were looking into transferring. It totally seemed like a God thing. So he and Cisco eventually spoke and it was good. They wanted to hire him, it seemed like this is what was going to happen.
Meanwhile, I was facing a lot of internal issues on why I've never really wanted to move home, the reasons for that and knowing all the things I was about to be forced to deal with. But I was willing. Even though it wasn't totally what Cisco or I wanted to do, we wanted to do it for our kids and for our family. So we started making the steps and that's where things got confusing. The more we stepped forward, the less peace we had. The more tears we shed. I kept trying to muscle my way past it, head to the wind, ignore the uneasiness. But in the end we couldn't. We did not want to keep stepping forward with so many things unclear and there were quite a few. So we decided to push back our timeframe and just wait until the new year and see.
Seeing as we weren't moving immediately, we put the boys in school. But we were still in this annoying stage of "we're moving, we don't know when, we don't know why" and anytime anyone would ask me what we were doing or if we knew what we were doing it would usually end in tears, even if hours later and once I was alone. It was nuts. I've never been more confused and annoyed with ourselves, EVER. Meanwhile, the Lord was totally providing, much through the blessed generosity of loved ones in our lives. It's been incredibly humbling and my pride hates it, even writing it, yet grateful for each of them beyond belief.
Around Thanksgiving we finally had a long talk about things. The boys were doing SO MUCH better now that they were in school, making friends, and well, we were all a bit happier. I know some will disagree with me on this, and that's fine, but this was totally the right decision for us. I had been thinking for weeks that our financial stuff wasn't going to just be "solved" by moving back to California. That maybe we needed to really TRY to stay. I knew that if we moved, at some point things would get hard. That's life. No matter how great some things may be, there's always something that's going to get hard, at some point. And I realized that considering how much we had going for us here, once things got hard in California, I would hate myself for not trying everything we could to stay and really see if things could work out. It was a recipe for regret and we both decided, not one we wanted to cook up. As much as Cisco didn't want to look for a new job (at that point), he decided he would. He was beginning to see things he wasn't liking with Davey and wasn't sure he wanted to keep working for them anyway. Then, literally the very next week, some stuff happened with his job giving him the confirmation and push he needed to really be done with that company (and also making us both breathe a HUGE sigh of relief that he hadn't transferred to CA with Davey and be stuck in that job for God knows how long).
The week before everything went down with his job, his brother was here visiting and they were messing around with roasting coffee and Cisco realized how much he missed doing that. I think we both just assumed it wasn't possible for him to really do that and make enough to live off of outside of the Conference Center, but it was something he enjoyed doing so much. To make a long story short, he's been sending his resume all over and tomorrow morning he has an interview at a large roasting company in North Denver. 11 am. Whoever is reading this, please pray!! We'll see what happens or if anything happens, but we're excited for the possibilities. We know we're in a season of change and that's always exciting but can also be somewhat terrifying. We know the Lord has a plan and we're definitely trusting in that. So, there's your update. :)
It's interesting because it really feels like this past year and a half has been one giant, constant test regarding our finances. And for a long time we couldn't even talk about it with anyone, save a select few. Mostly because of pride and shame. And also because I do think it's kind of a Christian taboo subject, for whatever reason. After leaving the Bible College we, or maybe just I, had this naive notion that everything was just going to fall into place and financially (cuz I really, truly thought we struggled financially at the BC.. HAHAHAHAH) our world was gonna rock. I've talked about this before. That whole "I'm stepping out in faith God, and You're going to BLESS me for it!!" entitlement thing. Anyone else relate here? Yeah, faced with that ugly part of myself over and over again this past year+. Yuck. Funny thing is, we're promised suffering as well as blessing and I've come to see that "blessing" usually doesn't come in the form of dolla' dolla' bills. Or a new car. Or a big, flat screen TV (Cisco). Or a sweet house with a gigantic gourmet kitchen and a Viking stove (me). It comes in a much deeper form of friendships and relationships that run so deep it makes you tear up thinking about them. It comes in the form of all those prayers that God will break your heart for the things that break His being answered. Or of living in a place that is so stinkin beautiful it is constantly making your jaw drop as you're humbled and in awe of the One who created it. Or even just simply coming to the realization that you really don't know a darn thing, like you once thought you did, and being ok with it.
For a long time I think I've been a little obsessed with being "financially secure". I think it was something I wanted more than a lot of other things. It wasn't like I wanted to go on grand vacations or buy a bunch of expensive crap, I just wanted to pay the bills and get out of debt. Nothing grand. But it was an idol for sure, and it's been a slow and painful STRIPPING my greedy little fingers away from holding on to what I thought I needed & wanted. I've spent this past year really thinking we had it rough and praying the Lord would "take this cup from me". And you know what I've realized lately? How much we really have.. It's been a rough 6 months+ for our little church. Everyone's going through something, at some level or another, and some to a degree of hurt and pain that I don't even understand nor ever wish to. I realized the other day that I was actually THANKING God for mine and Cisco's "problems". Have you heard that quote that says something like, If you threw your problems in a pile along with everyone else's you'd probably pick back out your own? Yeah. I don't have problems. Not today. I have a husband who loves me. I have 4 beautiful and healthy kids. I have awesome friendships and a church family who loves each other like Christ says to. I have clothes on my back and food in my fridge and a roof over my head. Tomorrow all those things may be gone. We never know. But today, I thank God from the very bottom of my heart that my biggest worry in life right now is paying my rent on time. And I truly mean that.
Side note: If you relate to or struggle with anything I've just written, and if you've never read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, or if it's been years since you have, go read it. NOW. Like, right now.
