One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of our arrival into Denver.

It's been quite a year.

I've spent a good portion of this week reflecting on it all and thinking how strange it is that driving here seems like a lifetime ago, yet it also seems crazy we've been here a full year.  I know that's such a typical thing to say but it's totally the truth! I also wanted to give a little update from my last post cuz it's been, oh, 2 months...

Not a whole lot has changed really, since I last wrote, save my mindset. Although, the situation, once we looked a little deeper, tweaked a few things, and it finally stopped snowing turned out to be not quite AS dire as it seemed at the time. It may have been one post written a little in haste, but it's what was going on in the moment so there ya go. ;) Cisco's hours have also picked up again, which does help a TON.

Regardless of the circumstances however, these past 2 months have been a long lesson of BEING STILL. Not one I'm very good at. Every time I would take the matter and our circumstances to prayer, that is what I got. BE STILL AND WAIT.

Although, when I really stop and consider it this has been a lesson I've had to learn many, many times over and I'm quite positive I will be sitting in its class many, many times more in the future.

It's not my favorite lesson...

But it is encouraging when you see progress in yourself and know that you fight it a little less each time.

We finished our first year (here) of homeschooling last week, which was nothing short of miraculous I must say! It was a rough year, but also good in many ways. We started over a month late (because of our housing situation at the time) and Josiah had a really rough time with math. The school talked a few times of holding him back if he didn't finish all his math lessons but he did!! We are so proud of how hard he worked and we all felt like we at least ended the school year on a good note.

At this point, it looks like I'll be homeschooling again next year. While I appreciate everyone's input on the matter, I'll also be honest. It's our only option right now. Which is why we did it this last year. We have one car and Cisco works crazy hours and over 20 minutes away from our house. So to take him to work every morning and pick him up isn't an option, for both financial and sanity reasons. However, I've come to the point where I know the Lord is in control, knows our needs, and this is our lot so I'm working with it to the best of my ability. The social part of our lives (more the kids than ours) has taken a large hit, but I'm hopeful that will change this next year. While I don't have all the answers on HOW or even WHAT right now, I'm ok and even excited for this next school year.

While at times I've definitely wondered what the heck we just did by moving here I've come to realize more and more the irony of the name of Pilgrim City Church and how this year has taught us, if nothing else, the reality of Hebrews 11. There is a large part of me that would love to put down roots and my heart has struggled (almost daily) with not being near any family whatsoever. I see my kids growing and grandparents that are missing that, aunt's, uncles, cousins that they may never be close to or know very well. And that hurts my heart. A LOT. But we also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we knocked, even pleaded for those doors to open, for the Lord to direct in that way, and instead we got a clear NO. I don't understand that. But I don't have to and I've come to accept this. Whatever the Lord wants to do with our lives, wherever He wants us to go, I want to be willing to do that. And in the end, this world is not my home. The largest desire of my heart, to let Him do with our lives what He will, I pray, will always supersede everything else in there.

"Calmly we look behind us, on joys and sorrows past, 

We know that all is mercy now, and shall be well at last;

Calmly we look before us, - We fear no future ill,

Enough for safety and for peace, If Thou art with us still."

- Jane Borthwick

And, just for fun, here's some photos from the loooooooooong drive out here.

 Violet, looking thrilled & passing the time listening to Adele

 At a rest stop somewhere in Wyoming

Somewhere in Wyoming

And kind of random, but I never posted a picture of the place we call home. So here ya go! Isn't it the cutest?!

The Eye of the Storm

Fear not that the whirlwind will carry you hence,
Nor wait for its onslaught in breathless suspense,
Nor shrink from the blight of the terrible hail,
But pass through the edge to the heart of the tale,
For there is a shelter, sun lighted and warm,
And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.

The passionate tempest with rush and wild roar
And threatenings of evil may beat on the shore,
The waves may be mountains, the fields battle plains,
And the earth be immersed in a deluge of rains,
Yet, the soul, stayed on God, may sing bravely its psalm,
For the heart of the storm is the center of calm.

Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light, 
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love will make thine,
Let no gloom dim your eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of your God and the blue of His sky.

The storm is your shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes you for safety within;
The tempest with Him passes into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm. 
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on His child in the eye of the storm.

I'm not sure who wrote this beautiful poem but it greeted me this morning when I opened Streams in the Desert. And it couldn't have been more timely. This week has definitely brought a deluge of rains and while I don't feel at total freedom to share in detail everything that is going on, I wanted to share the gist of it. Fact is, we need some serious prayer and for those that love us and have prayed for us thus far, PLEASE DON'T STOP. 

We have reached a crossroads in this journey. One where either a complete act of God or a change of course is going to occur. Which technically, both would be an act of God. It's been a painful couple of days, coming to this reality, and one I honestly wasn't really expecting at this point anyway. BUT, it's here and the direction and path we should take is completely hidden from us at this time. Please pray for direction. Or, better yet, a miracle! I'm looking forward to being on the other side of this, hopefully soon, and sharing with you what the Lord does. While it's hard to believe it now,  I do know deep down in my heart that whatever transpires will be good. Both Cisco and I have (separately) gotten the fiery furnace in Daniel and feel very much that is where we are at. The fire is raging hot and seems like it will incinerate us at any second. Yet, reminding ourselves Who is in the fire with us brings about a drastically different outcome to this whole thing. We knew when we moved out here that it was the Lord leading us here. We knew it wasn't "our" deal, but His. And it remains to be so. If He brings a fork in the road and leads another way, as much as I want to pull Him on the path I want to go on, I know better than to do so. It may not make sense, but He certainly never promised following Him would!

I just want to add, for anyone stepping out in faith, praying about stepping out in faith, or afraid to step out in faith - it is no joke. And I mean that in the best way possible.  But be prepared to have every pat Christian phrase you've been throwing out for years, be challenged as to it's true meaning or whether it's even Biblical in the first place. Cuz when the rubber meets the road, it's a whole different world. With that being said, walking in faith is also the most exciting, terrifying, and oddly, FREEING thing you could ever do. When we give Him the reigns, He doesn't mess around. But make sure to keep your eyes on the driver. The second you look at the roads He's taking you down, well let's just say they are not for the faint of heart. :)
"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him." - Job 13:15

Prayer Request

Last night was a rough one. I was in my oldest son, Josiah's, room until after midnight & when I finally crawled under my covers I cried myself to sleep. I'm convinced no one and nothing can ever prepare a person for Motherhood. Or Fatherhood. To try to explain it is practically impossible, yet anyone who's ever been a parent will fully understand what I'm talking about. It's amazing. It's hard. It's frustrating. It's wonderful. It's pain. It's a blessing. It's crazy.  It's love. And you could feel all those things (and many others) all in the same day and sometimes in the same minute!

I think the most difficult part for me (so far) has been the weight of responsibility in making decisions for our kids. As well as the backlash and judgement from others, that can come when making said decisions. Quite honestly, the hardest decision of all has been every year when it comes to school. Had someone told me when Josiah was a baby that this would be the subject that would torture my brain for hours on end, result in hours of sometimes "heated" discussions with others, and take us to our knees year after year, I think I would've laughed in their face. Never in my life did I imagine this would be so hard! For Cisco and I, we both had similar school backgrounds, but reversed. ..I was in a private Christian school up til the 8th grade where I then attended public school for high school. He was in public school in elementary and then did the private Christian school for his later years, but we both agreed that Christian school was our #1 choice for our kids. Until I looked into it and realized that we would never, ever, ever be able to afford it. Especially when we kept having more kids. When & where I grew up, homeschooling was an odd choice & only the strange and socially impaired families chose to do that. It was never on my list of options. Or Cisco's really. To cut to the chase, I realized over time that it wasn't "weird", and once I let go of my preconceived ideas I'd had about it and actually tried it, I saw it definitely wasn't as horrible as I once thought. But I also didn't LOVE it. Like some people I know, they LOVE it. And that's awesome! I wish I did.

 There are for sure things I love about it, but it's also stinkin the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! But I'd totally pull up my bootstraps and do it for eternity if that's what I "knew" the Lord was telling us to do, but it's not. For us, once we realized that Christian school wasn't an option, we believe the Lord was telling us to take it year by year. To pray and seek what He wanted us to do with each kid, each year. And that's what we've done. Some years it's been public school, some years it's been homeschool. Each year has been hard, and each year I've been faced with the fact a decision has to be made. And if you know us at all, we aren't always the best at being super decisive.

Which brings me back to last night. Josiah's had a rough year. Besides their one friend they know from church, they haven't met other kids their age(s). He's super lonely and adjusting from being surrounded by friends and living at an awesome place, to well, normal life and having your one friend living nearly a half an hour away. For a 10 year old kid, that is rough. And it KILLS me. My heart hurts so bad for him, knowing this move has been hard for him and not knowing when it will get better. As a parent, I want to make it better and I can't. I honestly don't know yet what we are supposed to do in regards to school next year. Right now, the only option seems to be homeschool but I just don't know. I'm a mess of emotions when it comes down to this, especially after last night, and really, I'm just begging for your prayers. I apologize if that's selfish. But for those that have read this far and love my kids, please pray for them. And pray for Cisco and I, that we would know what to do  and trust that God sees our needs and has a plan.

I Have Decided

Exactly one year ago today, Violet and I hopped on a plane to meet up with Cisco and the rest of the group that was praying about moving out here to Denver. I actually did not make that connection until I sat down here to write, but once realized it made all of this even more fitting.

This past month has been hard for me. I hate admitting that. Not because I prefer to be fake but because the root of the difficulty has been my own ugly heart and who likes admitting that?

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this and exposing the nasty parts of my heart to the world wide web... I guess I know Facebook and Instagram lend a certain air-brushing to our lives and I don't want ours to be all about looking airbrushed. While I definitely aim to focus on the positive and don't feel the need to include everyone in on my bad days, I just want to express that I have them too. We all do. And it helps no one to try and  pretend that we don't.

It all started (ish) when doctors found a large mass in my 12 year old nephew's chest and they were "convinced" we were looking at lymphoma. Talk about earth shattering. Praise Jesus it turned out not to be that (we're still waiting on a diagnosis, but we know it's not cancer. YAY!) but in those few weeks of the unknown, I was slapped in the face with a serious case of homesickness. My family may be loaded with lots of drama but we all love each other to the moon and back and the last place I wanted to be was 1,300 miles away. With no way to get to them. I struggled with this BIG TIME, as even though we've always lived somewhat far away, any time there has been a real crisis in my family I was able to get in the car and at least drive to them. Not the case anymore...

Which led me to question God's leading us out here (Was it Him? Was it us?) and to tuck away, in the back of my mind, a little question mark. You see, I'm a runner. No, not literally, but mentally. To run back and question His leading, and also to run from facing the root of what is really going on in my heart. I'm also very guilty of having the tendency to work things out on my own when I either don't see God working or when I think what He's doing is all "wrong". Neither of these are done (for the most part) consciously per se, but a struggle in seeing my circumstances and wanting to change them. Always. And boy have I made quite a few messes by being this way. Some really big messes.

Things have not been easy since moving here. There have been some really great things, for sure, but when we made the conscious decision to follow Jesus out here I imagined our obedience to be rewarded in a much different manner. Yep, I just said it. "Entitlement." I know I'm not alone here, in feeling this way sometimes, but wow have I been so grossed out by it in my heart lately! I love to own those super sweet promises in the Word about blessings and victory and promised land. But again, those are usually much more different in my mind than what they actually turn out to be or when they come to be. Not that they're less than what I thought, but different. His ways are not our ways, duh. I like to forget the promises of difficulty, hardship, suffering, etc., but those are just as much promises as the others. And I noticed recently, that this "entitlement" often causes the suffering and hardships to grossly overshadow the many blessings and victories. And there have been, SO many blessings and victories. The Lord has been so faithful and gracious, drawing my eyes back to Him, where they need to be and stay. All last week He was speaking this to me. At church on Sunday, this was the message. Today, as I swept my floor for the 10th time I kept singing

 

I have decided, to follow Jesus

I have decided, to follow Jesus

I have decided, to follow Jesus

No turning back, No turning back

 

The cross before me, the world behind me

The cross before me, the world behind me

The cross before me, the world behind me

No turning back, no turning back

 

 He is so good. Isn't it crazy when a song you've been singing since you were like, 5, suddenly takes on a whole new meaning? I've always thought of that song in terms of salvation, which it totally is. But today it hit me in a whole new way. I followed Jesus out here. My heart of questioning that and leaving the question mark in my head is flat out WRONG. I've never wanted to be only partly here. Or partially following Him. I have decided, to follow Jesus! No turning back. No turning back. The "honeymoon" phase of being here has long passed (I do not mean this in a bad way), as it always does, and I look back on that week last March, where everything was so exciting and new and hopeful, with fondness. I know this road has not been easy. I know it will probably only get more difficult at times. But I TRUST the Lord and I believe He brought us out here, for reasons I may not know yet. And THAT'S exciting stuff.

Happy New Year!

To start off, obviously it's been awhile... I have written and erased probably about 10 different posts since we moved, none of them seemed "right" and I was having a difficult time with... well myself, quite honestly. When we moved I had this vision in my head of what I would be blogging and how my life would be. What can I say, I am a romantic at heart, and no matter how "prepared" we might think we are for life's curveballs, most generally we are not. Nor can be, really! So when things weren't panning out quite the way we'd hoped, I found myself faced with the dilemma of wanting to write a post filled with positive, awesome things instead of our reality and knowing I couldn't and wouldn't do that. Not that there weren't MANY positive and awesome things to write about because there most certainly were! Then about 2 months ago I uploaded all the pictures off my phone to post pictures of the house we're in and some I'd saved for the blog and my phone got wiped clean and our fairly new MacBook just stopped working. All in one day.  But literally, every time I sat down to write it was like a wall shot up and I just couldn't seem to find any words. So I let it go, deciding to stick to shorter Facebook posts as updates, praying over our MacBook to come back from the dead (it kind of has...it had 36 hours of revival and now just really doesn't like the internet), and gave up on it for awhile. But I'd love to give longer updates for those I know who love us and are praying for us, so a new year calls for another shot at this, right? I think so. :)

I will back up a little here. The story I had wanted to tell was more along the lines of, we moved, found a house within the first week of arrival, Cisco loved his job and the people he worked with, we were financially doing awesome, Pilgrim City Church was exploding in numbers, and we had made some amazing friends. Two of those things came true (the very first and the very last). Now, I'm not completely silly, I know we make our plans and God has His, and more often than not He loves to rearrange our plans. So while some of these things were a little startling (and scary) we didn't despair (most of the time), prayed (a LOT), and He saw us through and continues to.
It took us 3 months, almost to the day, to move into our own place. Cisco's first couple months at his new job were completely stressful and the foreman of the crew he mainly worked with was downright harassing him. Like, he was just MEAN and completely unpredictable, exploding at Cisco for important things like, how he was holding a rake or picking up branches. I've never seen my husband more beat down but he handled it like the patient champ he is and held his tongue on numerous occasions. By mid September he was placed on another crew with a different foreman and things became drastically better for him, Praise the Lord!

During it all, we kept getting this verse:

  " Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Isaiah 40:31

 

A verse we know well, but the word wait took on a whole new importance this time. A lesson we haven't been exactly unfamiliar with but maybe never to the degree or way we've had to learn it here. Yet, through all this and many other things not mentioned on here, we are so thankful the Lord brought us to Denver. We can truly say we LOVE it here and He has given us such a heart for this city and the needs we've seen thus far. He's blessed us with incredible friendships in our church family that quite honestly is even more than we hoped to pray for. While the church hasn't exactly exploded in numbers (that's what church planting is all about, right? ;)....) the Lord is definitely doing a sweet work in all of us and building a strong foundation. It's messy. We all have had our moments of tears, of joy and many other emotions. There's a lot of kids and I mean a lot. So it's noisy and chaotic most of the time. But it's REAL. I think we've all had to learn, to one degree or another, to put down the façade we've been hiding under and just truly be real and honest and raw. It's been downright awesome.

Also, I kid when I talk about the church exploding. :) I think one always has that hope but we really didn't have a whole lot of expectations as far as the church went. Even the small expectations or thoughts on pretty much anything we did have, have all been drastically changed since being here. In a good way. A really good way. I praise God we didn't have some big agenda or ideals for church planting. We all would've been in for a giant wake up call and some enormous disappointment! It is a work that is done and completed by Him alone and where He decides to take it, we are in 100%. I can say for Cisco and I, it's been a great time of healing and revelation. 2013 was one wild ride, no doubt about that. But I am ecstatic for 2014. Happy New Year!