Prayer Request

Last night was a rough one. I was in my oldest son, Josiah's, room until after midnight & when I finally crawled under my covers I cried myself to sleep. I'm convinced no one and nothing can ever prepare a person for Motherhood. Or Fatherhood. To try to explain it is practically impossible, yet anyone who's ever been a parent will fully understand what I'm talking about. It's amazing. It's hard. It's frustrating. It's wonderful. It's pain. It's a blessing. It's crazy.  It's love. And you could feel all those things (and many others) all in the same day and sometimes in the same minute!

I think the most difficult part for me (so far) has been the weight of responsibility in making decisions for our kids. As well as the backlash and judgement from others, that can come when making said decisions. Quite honestly, the hardest decision of all has been every year when it comes to school. Had someone told me when Josiah was a baby that this would be the subject that would torture my brain for hours on end, result in hours of sometimes "heated" discussions with others, and take us to our knees year after year, I think I would've laughed in their face. Never in my life did I imagine this would be so hard! For Cisco and I, we both had similar school backgrounds, but reversed. ..I was in a private Christian school up til the 8th grade where I then attended public school for high school. He was in public school in elementary and then did the private Christian school for his later years, but we both agreed that Christian school was our #1 choice for our kids. Until I looked into it and realized that we would never, ever, ever be able to afford it. Especially when we kept having more kids. When & where I grew up, homeschooling was an odd choice & only the strange and socially impaired families chose to do that. It was never on my list of options. Or Cisco's really. To cut to the chase, I realized over time that it wasn't "weird", and once I let go of my preconceived ideas I'd had about it and actually tried it, I saw it definitely wasn't as horrible as I once thought. But I also didn't LOVE it. Like some people I know, they LOVE it. And that's awesome! I wish I did.

 There are for sure things I love about it, but it's also stinkin the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! But I'd totally pull up my bootstraps and do it for eternity if that's what I "knew" the Lord was telling us to do, but it's not. For us, once we realized that Christian school wasn't an option, we believe the Lord was telling us to take it year by year. To pray and seek what He wanted us to do with each kid, each year. And that's what we've done. Some years it's been public school, some years it's been homeschool. Each year has been hard, and each year I've been faced with the fact a decision has to be made. And if you know us at all, we aren't always the best at being super decisive.

Which brings me back to last night. Josiah's had a rough year. Besides their one friend they know from church, they haven't met other kids their age(s). He's super lonely and adjusting from being surrounded by friends and living at an awesome place, to well, normal life and having your one friend living nearly a half an hour away. For a 10 year old kid, that is rough. And it KILLS me. My heart hurts so bad for him, knowing this move has been hard for him and not knowing when it will get better. As a parent, I want to make it better and I can't. I honestly don't know yet what we are supposed to do in regards to school next year. Right now, the only option seems to be homeschool but I just don't know. I'm a mess of emotions when it comes down to this, especially after last night, and really, I'm just begging for your prayers. I apologize if that's selfish. But for those that have read this far and love my kids, please pray for them. And pray for Cisco and I, that we would know what to do  and trust that God sees our needs and has a plan.